Mon Dieu!
by wolf with panther eyes
Summary: An attempt to help Valjean escape the clutches of Javert goes wrong, resulting in Javert and Cosette accidentally switching bodies. Oh dear...
1. Chapter 1

Well, this is my first Les Miz fanfic! Unfortunatly, Cosette and especially Javert seem pretty OOC in parts, but this was really just an excuse to get me writing again - there's only going to be three or four chapters once I finish the ending.

If you do happen to like it, please review! I do not own Les Miserables in any way... although I did invent the old woman in this. That's about it.

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"Monsieur Fauchelevent, sir!"

Valjean paused, glancing at a nearby stall. The old woman manning it was calling him over, grinning broadly.

"Cosette," Valjean released her arm. "How about you view that flower stall while I talk to this woman? Maybe you can buy something nice to brighten up the house with."

Cosette smiled, lightly kissing her adoptive father on the cheek. "Don't be too long, papa. I know how you get when you socialise." She slipped through the people.

Valjean smiled back at the thought as he reached the stall. "Bonjour, ma'am," he greeted her, tipping his hat.

"Bonjour, monsieur," the woman replied. "I would just like to thank you highly for the money you lent me. My intake's increased so much!"

"Think nothing of it," Valjean advised, glancing at the woman's wares.

Across the road, Javert, Police Inspector First Class, froze. He stared at the man, studying him carefully. Was it…? It couldn't be!

Cautiously, Javert approached him and tapped him on the shoulder. The man turned around.

It _was_ him!

Valjean gasped. "Javert!"

Javert grinned. "Finally, 24601!" He triumphantly pulled a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket as he spoke, his other hand gripping Valjean's arm tightly.. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this…"

The old woman Valjean had been talking to scowled. "Why are you arresting this good man, inspector?" she asked bluntly as she rearranged her various mixtures.

"Good man?" Javert repeated, his eyes narrowing. "This man is a criminal, a convict. He belongs in a jail cell."

"It was only a loaf of bread!" Valjean exclaimed.

The woman watched closely as Javert struggled to handcuff Valjean using only one hand while the ex-convict twisted in his grip. "Javert, please," he pleaded. "I have a girl to look after, my darling Cosette. She won't cope without me."

Javert paused at this, and at that the woman made up her mind. She grasped a small jar and untwisted the lid, aiming so that the contents would hit both men at the same time.

"Papa!" Cosette cried, rushing up to them. The basket of flowers she had been cradling crashed to the ground as she laid her hands on Valjean's arm, turning to address Javert. "Why are you trying to arrest my father?"

But the contents of the old woman's jar had already been emptied. Thick liquid splashed into Javert's face and he let out a cry as his hands flew to his eyes. The handcuffs dropped to the ground, and Valjean was suddenly free. However, Cosette had screamed as the liquid landed across her face as well.

"Cosette!" Valjean shouted, grabbing her wrist as he began to run, dragging her after him. "Quick, we must go."

Cosette stumbled after him. "Papa, I…" She slumped forward, landing heavily against the cobbles.

Valjean stopped and knelt beside her, shaking her slightly. "Cosette?" he repeated her name quietly, knowing it was pointless. Cosette was unconscious.

The old woman stood on tiptoe as she gazed through the crowds, trying to keep track of Valjean and his daughter. She watched as Cosette dropped to the ground. Her eyes flickered to the other side of the street, where Javert lay sprawled across the gutter. He too was unconscious.

The old woman tutted, shaking her head. "Oops."

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Valjean gently stroked Cosette's hair, willing her to wake up while trying to avoid her from being jolted too much. He had hired a hansom cab back to Rue Plummet, and now they were finally alone, away from Inspector Javert.

_Is he never going to stop chasing me? _Valjean thought desperately. _Why doesn't he just let the past go?_

Cosette stirred, her eyelids flickering. Valjean kissed her forehead, relaxing. As long as he was with Cosette, he was at peace.

What he wasn't prepared for was Cosette's reaction.

Her eyes snapped open, and she suddenly sat upright. Unfortunately, the cab went over a loose stone at that moment, and Cosette fell heavily to the cab's floor. Cursing under her breath, she pulled herself up onto the seat opposite Valjean, not taking her eyes off of him. "24601, what is the meaning of this?" she complained, rubbing her head.

Valjean stared at her in shock. Cosette stared back at him, her gaze fiercer than he had ever seen it. "Well?" she snapped angrily. "24601, explain yourself!"

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Cosette groaned as she opened her eyes.

"Ah, you're awake," a voice said brightly. Cosette blinked until the voice's owner swam into clarity.

"You!" Cosette exclaimed in surprise, struggling to sit up. "You were talking to my father."

The old woman smiled at her. "Wonderful man, your father is. He helped me start up my own business." Her smile dropped, her expression became guarded. "Now dear, don't get too stressed out about this…"

Cosette blinked again. "About what?"

The old woman sighed, rummaging around in her clothes. "Here," she said finally, handing Cosette a small hand mirror. "It's best if you see it for yourself."

Hesitantly, Cosette held up the mirror and looked into it.

And then she let out a cry.

"Oh, oh!" She gasped, staring at the face in the mirror. It most certainly wasn't hers. Cosette had never before had sideburns, or heavily shadowed eyes. In fact, the face she was staring at was…

"It's that policeman who tried to arrest Papa!" Cosette exclaimed in horror, twisting backwards and forwards. "I'm… I…"

The old woman nodded, gently prising the mirror from Cosette's muscular hand. "I'm so sorry, my dear."

Cosette was still in a state of shock. "But - why? How?" Only now did she realise that her voice had become much deeper.

The old woman sighed. "It's my fault, dear mademoiselle. I was aiming for your father, not you."

"My father?"

"I thought it would help him escape," the old woman explained, wringing her hands. "But then you turned up…"

Cosette hid her face in her hands, trying not to cry as her fingers brushed the horrid sideburns. "Am I to be stuck like this forever?" she murmured tearfully.

The old woman hesitantly patted Cosette on the back. "There, there, dear. It should wear off in a couple of hours or so."

Cosette choked back a sob. "What am I to do until then?"

The old woman paused. "That's up to you, mademoiselle. Until then, you will be Inspector Javert."

Cosette flinched at the unfamiliar name. "But… what's happened to Inspector Javert, then?" She asked quietly. A sudden thought struck her, and she glanced up in alarm. "He's not me, is he?"

No one answered her. Even through her tears, Cosette could see that the alley she was in was deserted.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter!

**Chloe625 & songbird71795 - **Here you go, I continued :) Thanks for your encouraging reviews, I hope you continue to enjoy it!

**AmZ** - Would you believe, I actually read the book a few weeks ago - just started re-reading it this afternoon. But what you say on your profile actually made sense to me, and I re-wrote quite a bit of this chap because of it. So, thanks, and I hope you enjoy!

Anyway, on with the fanfic!

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Javert glared at Valjean, waiting for a response. What was this criminal _doing_? Actually, come to think of it, what had he already done? All Javert could remember was some gunk hitting his face, and next thing he knew he had woken up in a cab, surrounded by Valjean's embrace.

There was something wrong with that man.

"Well?" Javert barked again, wanting an answer. "Say something, at least!"

Valjean twitched in shock. "Cos… Cosette?" He asked hesitantly, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"What, so she's in on this as well?" Javert glowered, crossing his arms firmly across his chest. Then he winced in surprise, glancing down at himself. His eyes widened on a level to match Valjean's. "What the-?!"

The inspector was wearing a dress. Not only that, but the dress seemed to fit accurately enough, which it should not, in any circumstances, have done. Javert cautiously moved one hand, and was horrified to notice the slim, delicate hand that responded instead of his usual. Well, it certainly explained why the inspector was currently sharing a cab with Valjean, and also why Valjean was staring at him strangely.

"Cosette?" Valjean volunteered again nervously. "Are you feeling alright?"

Javert's mind had blanked when he realised what had happened. Now it sprang back into action, forcing him to remain calm. He found himself faced with two courses of action.

One, he announced to Valjean that he actually was Javert, and not Valjean's dear adopted daughter, and try to persuade his old adversary to turn the cab around. Of course, Valjean would probably not believe him - or worse, laugh at him. Either way Javert would be humiliated.

Two, he kept quiet. Javert could always just pretend to be this… Cosette for a while, thereby gaining access to Valjean's current whereabouts before trying to get back to his original body. Then, once Javert was himself again, he would know exactly where to find 24601.

Javert's forced state of calmness came to a conclusion.

Javert glanced up, trying to smile as sweetly as he could. "Sorry, 24... err, papa." He winced as he said it. "Just a bit confused, that's all."

Valjean continued to stare at him. "What was it you called me before?" he said quietly.

Javert bit his tongue. "I called you Papa, silly!" He replied giddily, silently cursing himself as he did. _Just hang on a while longer… _

Valjean finally smiled, chuckling a little. "Yes, I suppose you did," he murmured, sounding like he was trying to convince himself.

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Cosette searched through the pockets of the Inspector's greatcoat. "There has to be some money," she mumbled, feeling guilty. But from here, she had no idea how to get back home. Plus, Javert's body was hers for the time being, so all Javert's belongings were technically hers as well.

_I'll pay him back, _Cosette promised herself as she finally found a few coins to contribute towards her cab fare. She moved them to a smaller, emptier pocket as she paced down the street, past the inquiring glances. Unnerved, Cosette tilted the brim of the Inspector's hat further over her forehead, shielding her from the prying eyes.

_Surely they don't always watch him as he walks past! _Cosette thought. _I must be doing something wrong._

Any observer who was previously familiar with Javert would have noticed the change. Before, he had strode forward, his head held high, his arms across his chest, his gaze stern. Now, Javert hurried forward, hunched into himself slightly, avoiding everyone around him.

Cosette, of course, had just seen Javert for the first time a few minutes before she had fallen unconscious. So she had next to no idea of how the first class police inspector should move.

"'Ere, Inspector! Lovely ev'ning!" A young boy called out, waving his grubby cap. Cosette paused, subconsciously remembering that _she_ was the Inspector, and so he was addressing _her_. She reached into her pocket, pulling out a random coin and tossed it to the young boy.

"A nice evening indeed," she remarked briefly before continuing on her way.

Gavrouche (for that was who the young boy was) stared at her retreating back, his mouth open in surprise. Then he came to his senses, scooping up the coin. "The Inspector may be ill if he's 'anding out money, but I ain't one for caring," he muttered, admiring the coin gleefully.

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_The convict Jean Valjean, prisoner number 24601, is currently residing at 7 Rue de l'Homme-Armé under the false name of Ultime Fauchelevent._

Javert felt a familiar thrill coarse through his veins as he wrote out the letter in the privacy of the garden. After this was delivered, Valjean would be captured and placed back in prison, and the law would be at peace again - for the moment, at least.

Then he would have to find a way of getting his body back - it was bad enough that he had to call Valjean 'Papa' and wear woman's clothes (never mind wearing the body of an attractive young woman underneath them). But, Javert mused, it could possibly be worth it.

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Valjean was sitting at the kitchen table reading a book, trying to forget both his near-encounter with Javert and Cosette's strange behaviour since, when someone knocked at the door.

For a second, Valjean wondered if he should call Toussaint to answer it. Then he dismissed the thought from his mind, placing his book down carefully on the table and making his way into the hall.

He opened the door. "May I help-?"

He slammed it shut, his hands shaking as he reached for the lock.

"Papa… I mean, Monsieur!" There was no mistaking Javert's voice, even through the heavy wood. "Monsieur Fauchelevent."

"Go away, Javert!" Valjean yelled back, fumbling with the key. "Please!"

"Papa, it's me!" Javert cried, his voice suddenly high-pitched. "It's me, Cosette!"

Valjean paused, re-running the words in his mind. "Cosette?" he repeated faintly, then shook his head. "Javert, I'm not falling for that!"

Then, to his amazement, Valjean heard sobbing. He glanced at the door in disbelief. "Javert, are you… _crying_?"

"Please!" Javert's voice sobbed. "Let me in, I'll explain."

Valjean hesitated. Javert was obviously going mad, if he thought he was Cosette. Either that, or it was just a clever trick to gain entry. Finally, Valjean made up his mind, unlocking the door and opening it to allow his old adversary in.

Javert walked in nervously, his teary eyes fixing on Valjean's. Then the policeman suddenly reached out, clamping him in a tight embrace.

Valjean was nearly bowled over by the strength of the inspector. "Javert!" He choked out. "What _are_ you doing?"

Javert abruptly let go. "Oh. Right," he said awkwardly. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, still sniffling. "I just forgot for a moment…"

Valjean sighed. Unsure what to do, he guided the policeman to the kitchen and sat him on a chair. Valjean stood beside him, resting one hand comfortingly on Javert's shoulder "Now, Javert, what appears to be the problem?"

"Where - where's Cosette?" Javert asked in a small voice quite different from his usual.

"In the garden, writing," Valjean replied guardedly, his grip tightening. "Javert…"

"That's just it!" Javert cried. "I'm _not_ Javert! I don't even know who he is!" He slumped across the table, starting to cry again.

"Ummm… Don't cry," Valjean said half-heartedly. "Just tell me what's wrong."


	3. Chapter 3

First of all, I'd like to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who reviewed this!

Secondly, I'm sorry this took so long - I was meant to have finished this a while back, but it took a while for me to come up with an ending I was happy with...

Please enjoy, and remember that reviews are love!

* * *

Javert, unaware of what was happening inside, was making the final adjustments to his letter of justice.

"Signed, Javert," he muttered to himself as he scrawled his signature.

"Javert?" A voice asked from behind him. "Who's he?"

Javert twirled around in surprise, instinctively hiding the letter behind his back. "Nobody," he said automatically, then frowned.

Standing opposite him was a young, dark-haired man - in his early twenties, Javert guessed, like most of that rebel group he'd been sent to keep an eye on once or twice.

At Javert's words, the young man's smile had dropped. "Just nobody?" he echoed, looking hurt.

"Yes, nobody." Javert examined him more closely. "Who are you, then?"

The young man's smile returned as he laughed. "Cosette, you're so funny!" He reached forward, pulling Javert into a tight hug. "Marius Pontmercy, yours forever and always," the young man murmured lovingly into Javert's (well, technically Cosette's) hair.

Javert, currently crushed against Marius, immediately began to squirm, trying to get away. "Unhand me at once!" He demanded, resting his hands firmly on Marius's chest to keep a clear distance between himself and the boy.

Marius drew his head back, looking momentarily confused. "Cosette, what's wrong?"

Javert bit his tongue to stop himself from replying "Everything!" Instead, he fixed Marius with a steady glare and announced "Monsieur Pontmercy, I have no time to spare for you today. Now, would you be so kind as to remove your hands from my waist."

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Valjean paced the length of the kitchen, lost in his thoughts. "So… you're Cosette?" He finally asked.

Javert nodded, smiling slightly as he wiped his eyes once more.

Valjean jabbed a thumb over his shoulder in the general direction of the yard. "And you think that… Javert is you?"

Javert clapped his hands together excitedly. "I knew you'd believe me!"

That did it for Valjean. Javert may have been a good actor, but he wasn't _quite _that good. The ex-convict sat down again, his eyes searching Javert's. "Cosette," he murmured, unthinkingly taking Javert's hand in his. His skin crawled slightly as he realised what he was doing, but he was even more convinced as Javert's face suddenly lit up with delight.

"Papa," Javert replied, his eyes glowing just like Cosette's usually did.

A loud yell from outside the house broke the strange reunion.

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Marius rubbed his cheek, staring at who he thought was his love in horror. Already the skin across the left half of his face was turning bright pink. "Cosette…!"

Javert raised his hand again threateningly. "Don't you dare come near me again, monsieur!" He warned, before adding in a more civil tone "I suggest you give up manipulating young women and return to your studies. Believe me, it's sensible advice in the long run."

Panicked and confused, Marius took a few quick steps backwards and tripped over the stone bench that Javert had previously writing his letter on. Marius fell, wincing as he landed heavily on the small of his back.

Javert couldn't help grinning at how ridiculous the boy looked sprawled on the ground. His grin abruptly slid off his face as two men hurried out of the house and towards him.

One was Valjean, the ex-con freezing in shock and disbelief as he noticed Marius. The other, wearing an expression Javert had never seen before on himself, was… well, himself.

"Marius!" Javert's body knelt down beside the fallen man, resting his head in her lap. It would be hard to say who looked more shocked; the real Javert, Valjean or Marius. At least now Javert knew for certain that it was definitely Cosette who was currently residing in his body.

Marius hastily pulled himself away from Cosette-in-Javert, scrambling backwards until he collided into Valjean, who, coming out of his stupor, proceeded to grasp the collar of Marius's shirt heavily, hauling him upright.

"Cosette," Valjean said quietly, a hint of menace in his voice as he turned to where Javert's body still knelt. The real Javert groaned as he noticed that - Valjean knew about the switch, then. "Cosette, who is this man?"

Javert watched his own face flush red. "Well, I… he… oh!"

Suddenly, Javert felt extremely dizzy. Head swimming, he took a step backwards, overbalanced and fell.

He was unconscious before he hit the ground.

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As first Cosette, and then Javert, started to stir, Valjean clasped his hands together, silently praying that they'd be in the right bodies.

After they had first fainted, Valjean had simply glared at Marius as he went to help Cosette, and the young man had been smart enough to leave her and help carry Javert inside instead. Another glare resulted in Marius making a swift departure, mumbling something about sending a letter.

Now both Javert and Cosette were lying in Valjean's bedroom - Cosette on the bed, Javert on the floor.

Valjean reached over, touching Cosette's shoulder lightly. Cosette's eyes opened lazily. "Papa?" she murmured. Gingerly, she raised a hand and stared at it. "Am I back?"

Valjean kissed her forehead, ruffling her hair. "Yes, my darling Cosette," he praised, delighted to have her back in her own body.

Meanwhile, Javert was struggling to pull himself upright, wincing slightly as he rubbed his head.

"Ah, Javert!" Valjean beamed, turning to the Inspector. "It _is_ you, right?"

Javert scowled back at him before he noticed Cosette, who was looking at him curiously. The policeman immediately reached up, feeling his face, then grinned.

"So," Valjean said quietly, using the same tone of voice he had before on Marius. "Javert, is there a reason that you decided to pretend to be my daughter?"

"You wouldn't have believed him," Cosette spoke up on the inspector's behalf, smiling encouragingly at Javert. Now that she was herself again, it was hard to believe that she had actually been in Javert's body earlier. Javert, staring back at her, was thinking the same thing.

Valjean frowned, scratching his chin. "I suppose," he replied vaguely. He smiled again, embracing his adopted daughter. "I'm just glad you're back." He glared at Javert over Cosette's shoulder, silently hoping that the inspector would not mention Valjean's criminal past.

Javert stood up. "Well, I suppose if we're ourselves again, there's no reason for me to hang around."

Cosette and Valjean turned to face him; Valjean's eyes filled with gratitude. _Thank you, _he mouthed.

"Are you sure you cannot stay for tea, monsieur Inspector?" Cosette asked hopefully, wanting to find out more about the man she had just been.

"I am sure," Javert replied, narrowing his eyes at Valjean as if to say _this is not over_. "Thank you, mademoiselle, for looking after my body."

"Thank you also," Cosette replied, her eyes shining.

Javert picked up his hat and placed it on his head, tipping it once to Cosette before he left.

Valjean hastily stood up. "Cosette, wait here one moment," he told her, before quickly following his adversary.

Javert was waiting beside the door to the street. "I knew you would follow," the policeman said bluntly, not meeting Valjean's eyes. "I will let you go this one time for your daughter's sake, but believe me, 24601, I will not rest until I see you safely in jail. Three days. You have my word."

Valjean nodded numbly in surprise and relief. "Thank you, Javert."

Javert hovered for a moment before striding out the door. Once he was gone, Valjean leant against the wall, closing his eyes briefly as he savoured the sweet taste of freedom.

There was a knock at the door.

"24601?" Javert called, sounding embarrassed. "Could you lend me some money? I think Cosette spent all the spare change I had."

THE END


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